So tonight I'm having one of those, 'wow I'm really a terrible mother' moments. I'm not of course, I might not be the best but I know I'm not really that terrible, but I definitely had an 'epic fail' tonight. The thing about being a parent is that of course we all make mistakes and I'm sure there will be times in the future when my kids will remind me of some of those mistakes. At least I can be thankful that they can't remember them all... But that's part of being a parent I think, we learn with our kids, we grow together.
People say that being a parent is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do and cliche as it it, it is so true. Because it's not like a job where you can have training or a manual to refer to, you just have to get on with it yourself and do the best you can. Oh yes I know you can read up on it and read different peoples views on parenting but at the end of the day it's just you, the parents (or parent) that make the decisions on the operating procedure.
The stakes are high.
Too high really. Because of course you can't be impartial about the work you are doing because you're too intimately involved in it. You can't just quit when it gets tough or you get fed up. But then by the same token the rewards far exceed any you get in employment. Like your child passing their driving test, or hitting a 6 (cricket...) or drawing a beautiful picture and writing 'I love you mum' across it, or even just sitting down with them to veg out and watch TV together. Those moments are when your heart melts and it all makes sense.
That's why, when it goes a bit wrong you really feel it.
Oh, don't worry, I didn't do anything really awful, and in the morning it will probably all be forgotten but it doesn't stop the feelings of guilt, or that I feel I've failed as a mother tonight.
And the thing is I know there will be loads of parents out there thinking the same which is I guess, why I'm writing this. If any parent says they have never made a mistake with their kids, I guarantee they are lying! I learned once never to see others as perfect parents, which is the danger, thinking that no one else ever makes parenting mistakes. I really looked up to this family and they were the kind of people everyone loved so much, people would always say 'oh aren't they wonderful'. Then through circumstance I came to spend some more time with them and I soon discovered they were just like everyone else, they made mistakes too, they were not perfect! None of us are, so we just have to do our best and above all love our kids.
The thing I hold onto is that my heavenly father never has those bad parent moments. And whilst I feel terrible right now, I know that he's just loving me, loving my heart, loving that I'm trying to do the right thing for my kids, loving that I want the best for them, he's loving that I am just loving them. And I will never stop doing that. There will be other mistakes I'm sure, and there might be tough times, but nothing will stop me loving them.