About Me

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Many Coloured Days...


Have you ever read 'My Many Coloured Days' by Dr Seuss? It's a kids book and I read it to my children. I love the amazing colours and illustrations in it, but I guess that's the artist in me. And although it's for children it's actually amazingly descriptive of our emotions and how we see our days...

So, today I feel like going back to bed, pulling the cover over my head and staying here all day. However I have a schedule to write, plus Sundays sermon, not to mention various household jobs, school runs and pick ups. It's a purple day...
 
I don't know why it is that today I am falling into a pit of doom. I'm usually pretty strong. Today I just feel 'bleeuurgh', that's the only way I can describe it. Feeling sorry for myself, not wanting to speak to anyone and just generally irritated.
 
There are things that have brought this on I am sure, like being ill several times recently, having a particularly busy two weeks and of course the unknown future of my training.
 
A few years back (was it that long... wow time flies when you get older....) I was diganosed with CFS. I have written about this a fair amount. I don't like the diagnosis, although some, ok many, of the symptoms fit. In fact I often don't accept it or believe it. I have felt fine for months. But today is one of those days when I think, ok well maybe it is CFS rearing its ugly head again. Maybe I really do have it. Maybe I am doing too much (and in truth it has been a busy few weeks). But then I wonder how long I will have to think like this? To plan my life according to what might happen if I book too much in. I hate that. Really. I hate it.
 
There is a lot going on at church right now and I think it's fair to say that it has felt like like the devil is hammering our church and the people in it. I keep justifying myself lately by saying 'I'm not someone who sees a demon behind every lamp post' which is true, but I do also believe there is a very active force of evil and it seems very evident to me at the moment. So perhaps I'm just next on that list, and it does kind of feel like that to be honest. Because I then start to wonder how I will manage going into training and then ministry full time. I can't even seem to manage the little I am doing without feeling like I do today. Which is probbaly exactly what the enemy would want, for me to doubt my calling, doubt what God has asked me to do...

Don't get me wrong I'm not going into a fit of depression, and I'm not seeking sympathy, and I will probably wake up tomorrow and feel fine, I think I just need to get this out. I am not going to give in to the devil, or anything else for that matter. I love my God and I will serve him always as he has asked me to. I'm just having an off day! So today is a feel sorry for myself day, a stay in bed day (albeit with my laptop and writing a sermon), and a day with chocolate cake and lots of tea.... For now I shall pray (in my nice warm bed, with electric blanket... it's the little things)

Hopefully tomorrow will be a pink day :)

1 comment:

Nancy Wallace said...

Comments are not always helpful in response to a post like this. So - no comment, but sending you a virtual hug.