About Me

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Pain & Disappointment

It is with great sadness that I write that lovely Nix passed away on Monday morning. Thanks so much to all who prayed in faith alongside her, even when I know some of you didn't know her. It's fair to say we believed for this miracle right up to the last possible moment. And when I say believed, I had so much faith for this, more than for anything ever in my life before. The bible tells us to go and heal the sick and I truly believed that she would not die. Not only that but it felt like this was part of something bigger, that God was stirring in our church and our communities.

So now it hurts.

I am so sad for her family, she left behind a husband and 3 children, all of whom are a total inspiration, just as she was. And on top of that I feel a huge disapointment with God. I am not angry, he is bigger and more powerful and more mysterious than I shall ever know, but I am disappointed. We believed, we prayed, we cried out to God and yet she wasn't healed.  I know you can say ultimately she received her healing in heaven and I know she is having the most amazing time right now with Jesus, but I don't and can't believe this was Gods will for her or her family.

I met Nix 2 years ago when we first came to the church we are at now. At the time she was just at the end of the first course of chemo for breast cancer. I heard her speak at a womens weekend the church had and she was truly inspirational. She talked about how in all the pain, the treatment, the lack of understanding and anger with God, that she knew He was there right with her. She told of amazing ways in which he had spoken to her and blessed her in all of it. How people turned up at exactly the right point, or sent a message at a perfectly opportune time. She spoke of prophecies and pictures that had been given to her. I was in awe of her. And in awe of her faith. About 6 months after that I began to get to know her through a womens group at church and later doing a leadership course. She was always an amazing woman of faith.

Just over a year ago, she discovered the cancer had spread to her spine and then late last year to the liver. There were various treatments but in the end there was nothing more to be done except pray for a miracle.

In the last few months I was able to pray with her and although I went there to pray for her and for her illness, I always came away feeling so blessed. She once told me in an email that she was in awe of me, which was just the kind of thing she would say. I was so in awe in her and yet she would say the same to me. I just knew her for a short time and we were not even that close, but she touched my life as I know she has touched so many.

Right now it is hard to see where God is glorified in all this but I know He is being and will be. Even in her illness and death people are being brought together and raising questions of faith. Some of the local primary school mums even asked for a prayer meeting to be organised for them as they didn't know how to pray! The last few weeks we have had a 24/7 prayer vigil for her that has brought people together in amazing ways. I feel sure that amazing good will come from this, the bible says that God uses all things for good and I know He can use all the pain, suffering and disappointment for His glory, although we can't see how at the moment.

I am writing this to honour Nix and our Heavenly Father, so please don't leave comments of sympathy for me, but if you feel able, then instead please pray for her family.

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