One of my biggest faults, I know, is that I think that I have to do everything myself, I am not good at letting others help. Often I think others won't do things as I would like them done or to my standard. I have analysed this a lot, particularly recently, and I know it is because I have felt let down in the past. Both in work contexts and with people close to me. I do recognise it in myself and so I have been trying hard not to give in to this pattern of behaviour. To recognise that I am not perfect, people can help and does it matter if things are not done how I would do them? I thought I'd been doing rather well, then... bang. I get an email that throws me off totally.
What a way to wake up today, turn on my phone and instantly an email pings in. Only a handful of people have my phone email so I thought it was a family member and checked it. It wasn't, it was someone who I used to work with and it was not a nice email.
The thing is, (the details are long and boring and I won't go in to them here..) but the long and the short is I have been let down by someone very close to me, again. Someone who at one time was closer to me than my own Mum, who has always known me better than anyone else and who I love dearly. But in no uncertain terms in the last few years this person has let me down. more than once. Not intentionally I am absolutely sure, but it hurts nonetheless. it hurts a lot. And in fact I know that some of the hurt is my own doing as I put on to that person more than they ever agreed to, more than we ever talked about, it was my own emotions poured out onto that person at a time when I really needed someone. But when I am let down by that person, I feel rejected, totally.
Last year I really dealt with this, prayed through stuff, let it all go, thought it was dealt with. A lot of stuff had to stay unsaid so that I didn't throw back my hurt to that person, but I thought our friendship was ok. Although on a different level to how it was, I felt it was ok. However today I feel let down all over again by that person and it is so obvious that I haven't yet sorted it out in my own head because all that old hurt has come flooding back. and it totally sucks.
I am angry, upset and the temptation to respond is so strong. I won't, of course, but I feel like writing it anyway so that I can get all that anger of my chest, then just delete it.
I feel like 'cutting that person off', just steering clear of them, not making an effort with them anymore, just not bothering, because that will be soooo much easier than this. But that is not what Jesus would do is it? how forgiving is that? So instead I am going to be the good little Christian and not do anything, not respond, not say anything to the person, not even mention this happened. But it bloody sucks. you know? Sometimes I so want to be that old me that would have got cross and told them exactly what I thought...