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Tuesday, 26 July 2011

discernment...

So, as I approach my delayed (possibly last) meeting with my vocational advisor I feel ready for a battle! not really sure why. But I think it has something to do with the fact that I have had several people telling me over the last few months that discernment is about jumping through hoops, doing as one is expected, just to get through. This has felt totally wrong to me. I am not someone who hides their feelings. I tend to be outspoken, people know where they stand with me. I don't want to be going through this process hiding who I am. And aside from that I am not desperate to 'get through' anyway, this is about being called by God to a vocation, it is about doing His will, not furthering my own ambitions (because lets face it it's not what I would be choosing..) and being dishonest doesn't exactly fit with Gods will, does it?

I am never going to fit into the mould they want anyway - I will never be anglo-catholic (famous last words..), I will not be traditional. So why should I give them the impression that I might? I mean, I don't want to seem arrogant or not open to new ideas, because I am, totally open and hopefully not arrogant! but it seems bizarre to be going into an organisation almost pretending to be someone else. Because isn't that what it's down to? if I deliberately withold what I think, or allow them to think something about me that isn't true, then that is basically lying. I think it's fair to say that if I were in a different diocese things may be different. I may not be feeling so pressured in this way, but that is irrelevant because I am here and that is not about to change.
So I feel, approaching this meeting, that I need to be totally open with her. Obviously I won't be rude (!) but at the same time I need to be totally 'me'. I am also aware that there is a chance this may jeopardise the process, or that they will give me a heap more stuff to do on the back of it, and so it is with some trepidation that I write this, but above all, I feel that if this is Gods will, then it will happen. And I need to do this being true to myself and to my God. End of...
So tomorrow I will let you know how it went and if I am still in the process or not! wish me luck, or better still, pray!

8 comments:

Nancy Wallace said...

'Be yourself' is the main piece of advice my DDO gave me just before I went to my selection conference. I think this was good advice. As a Vocations Adviser in my Diocese I usually give candidates the same advice. You really don't have to pretend to be something you are not. If God is calling you to some form of authorized ministry in the Church of England, then it's YOU he's calling, not the mask you might feel pressurized to present.

Perpetua said...

Nancy is quite right, Red. I used to be a Vocations Adviser in (small world...) and I would always tell candidates the same. There's absolutely no point in wearing a mask - sooner or later it will slip anyway and it's much better if it's the real you that is offering herself for ministry.

Prayers and good wishes for tomorrow.

margaretkiaora said...

Go for It !You are unique and special .Perpetua is right and she should know.

Anita@Dreaming Beneath the Spires said...

Good luck Red, and be sure to decline "the heaps more stuff" if making you "jump through hoops" is just a power play. Especially with your recently diagnosed CFS.
I am sorry to hear about that. Do switch to a "bare essentials" life till you feel better.

Perpetua said...

Oops - meant to say I was in the same diocese as Nancy - truly a small world :-)

Anita said...

So, how did it go?

Red said...

thanks everyone. yes it went really well. I felt very calm throughout the whole thing and I think that just made it all the more relaxed. we did talk about timings and I was surprised at myself how unworried I was! I also stood up for my pioneering spirit but didn't need to be in battle mode!
I have been advised to look at colleges and my advisor is now liasing with my DDO to see if he wants us to continue to meet. no idea where we go next but all seems good and I feel peace about it all :)
x

Lesley said...

Well done Red :) I was 'myself' throughout the process and I found everyone to be brilliant - not trying to fit me in a box or anything...