As I sit here watching Masterchef and seeing the pressure the contestants are under I have been thinking about the pressure I put on myself. In all situations. Even with this blog, I have had a hectic few weeks because of the school hols and being busy with commitments, and yet I am still thinking, I really need to post something...
I thought this was something that I had overcome. But perhaps that is what makes me, me...? Whatever I do, I throw myself into 100%, well more probably. I have to know everything about what I am doing, I embrace it, I dive right it. I do not do things by halves. I am sure this can be a good trait, in that I put my all into things, but sometimes I think I go too far. I put so much pressure on myself to do well. Failure is not an option, in anything.
It's almost like I have to prove something. But to who? Is it to myself? To God? I don't think I have sussed that one out yet.
I wrote a few weeks back about accepting a compliment and finding it hard. I think that is related to this too, in that perhaps I cannot accept when I do something well. Because I know I could do better.. Am I a perfectionist? Is that an unattractive quality? Am I not enough?
Ultimately none of it should matter, what should matter is that I do my best and I do it for God. I think I find it hard to accept that God will love me no matter what. Love has always been an issue for me, as I have written about before, but is this what this is about too? Love has a lot to answer for... that and our ability to both give it, and receive it.