About Me

Friday, 8 April 2011


Today I am disappointed but I am not sure why. Gods will has been done and I thought I was prepared for that, so why do I feel crap? Basically I put myself forward for something, I stepped out, but I wasn't chosen. I knew there was a chance of this, quite a big chance actually, and I also wasn't anxious about this, I felt that Gods will would be done and I had peace about it all. But today I feel really disappointed. I find myself questioning my motives, questioning myself, questioning my choices. I find myself angry, at others and at myself. It's very strange. I wasn't prepared for this at all! I think part of it comes from the fact that originally I felt that God wasn't calling me to step out on this and I was fine with that. But then I think I allowed myself to be persuaded into it. So I am cross with myself for allowing myself to be persuaded. But then I am a strong person and I don't let peple talk me into things if I don't want to do them so I must have wanted to, and indeed I did. I think that was part of my problem initially that I didn't want to step out because of what I wanted, but because of what God wanted. So still, why do I feel rubbish today?! Actually not doing this means I have more time on my hands and that is what I need right now. I know there is a chance that people from my church will be reading this and will know what it is all about, but that's a risk I'm taking becuase I feel I need to write this and be honest today. But I don't want it to be a big thing, I totally feel that Gods will has been done and the people chosen are awesome and I absolutely feel they are the right choices. So Still, why do I feel like this? Those who believe in the devil would probably say that it is him having a go at me, trying to condemn me, so I need to stand firm. and I am doing. As I said I know Gods will has been done I just can't understand why I am feeling this way! So I'm off to drown myself in cake and tea, always helps :)


Lesley said...

You feel like this because you have been rejected.. I feel like that too whenever something happens like that. I find it really helpful reading your post because I feel a bit more normal now!

I hate the feeling so much that it makes me think twice about putting myself forward in case I have to deal with the feelings. I don't think for a moment that we can determine God's will every time in advance - I think we need to push doors and find some of them closed.

I wonder why I feel so awful in those situations - I wonder whether it is deep insecurity and I interpret it as other people telling me I am rubbish which deep down is something I believe about myself. Of course that is me - not you

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so crap. I hope the cake works, but if not, this always makes me laugh (health warning - this video contains rude words)

Red said...

thank you Lesley, I'm glad I'm not the only one either. Yes that's true about the doors, and I have used thst analogy myself in the past so it's good to be reminded of it.
LOVE the clip, laughing raucously to myself. going to have to show it to my hubby!! thank you, feel better already (3 brownies helped too...)

MadPriest said...

I am probably the most experienced around here when it comes to being rejected. I cope with it by allowing myself to embrace and vent all the negative feelings up until I go to sleep on the day I receive the rejection. The following day, other than a bit of residual depression, I carry on as normal.

If you are not optimistic about achieving something it is very unlikely that you will be successful. Being optimistic means that the rejection will hurt more but optimism is a nice feeling whilst it lasts and I think it outweighs the nasty feeling of rejection.

Red said...

thanks MP. yes good advice except I didn't find out until 9.30 last night so not much time for wallowing before bed! which is probably why I feel worse than I thought I would today! Yes I am an optimistic person at heart too and I do aim high in life so you are right,it hurts more but then as you say being optimistic is far more positive in the long run.
thank you :)

Perpetua said...

Sorry you're disappointed, Red. You feel like this because you're human and human nature seeks affirmation, not rejection. Rejection hurts, even if you're a Christian. Just because you believe something is God's will doesn't make it easy to accept it.

I hope the cake cure worked - my choice would have been lemon drizzle :-)

MadPriest said...

God's will.

This is the big problem. If you believe that God, not human beings, chooses people for specific vocations and you are not successful then you can't avoid the fact that you have been rejected by God. Even being rejected by the Church or fellow Christians is a lot more painful than being rejected by some HR department of a call centre or the like. Personally, I think that invoking God's will is dangerous and bad theology. It can be used by the interviewee as a way to intimidate the interviewers and by the interviewers to excuse themselves of any responsibility for their choice. And are we saying that if fail to discern God's will then God's will is not done? Get away! We're not that important - we are not gods.

Nancy Wallace said...

Rejection is a bereavement, so feeling hurt, angry, confused etc. just shows you're human like the rest of us. But it's hard, isn't it? Hope you can share your feelings honestly with the people closest to you. Can't comment on whether or not it's 'God's will' except to say that if a decision has been made then God has allowed this to happen. Imitate the psalmists and have a rant at God!

Lesley said...

Glad you enjoyed the Video. It makes me roar with laughter too.... funny thing is whenever I show it to a bloke they don't find it funny. I once played it at an all woman home group before realising it is quite rude :)

Suem said...

So sorry, hope you're feeling better. I am baking coffee cake this weekend - would bring some round if I could:)
Childbirth song was great!

Phaedrus said...

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." - M.L. King Jr.

Lucy Mills said...

Disappointment is horrible...and I think when you've been persuaded into something you weren't originally going to do requires a very deliberate action. To go through with this deliberate action and then get rejected anyway can really sting - more so because you feel a conflict over what you were originally going to do. At least, I think so, anyway!

Hope you are feeling better now - tea and cakes are always good and so are kind words from friends :)

Thanks too for your encouraging and understanding comment over at my blog on Saturday - much appreciated.

Hugs, Lucy x

emma said...

Well done for stepping out. It feels really yuk to do it and be turned down, but it's also very brave. I guess part of why it hurts is that we confuse our value with our skills and so when we're found unsuitable for a certain role, it feels like it is personal. Your worth is independent of your performance, but it's one thing telling your head and another your guts...!

Red said...

thanks guys, yes kind words from friends definitely helps :)
love that about blogging, people you only know virtually, actually care about you...
I do feel peaceful about it all now. had lots of lovely words from people at church and the vicar was talking to me about what he would like me to be involved in anyway so I feel less 'rejected' now!!!red :)