About Me

Friday, 10 December 2010

Angry with God

What a day... I left home this morning at 9.30 for a cuppa with my Nan at her 'home' and have just now got back from the hopsital. She fell 2 weeks ago and had been due to go in for an X-Ray and by some stroke of Gods timing the ambulance turned up to get her when I was there. So I went too. Have to say the hopsital staff were lovely, very understanding and treated her with respect, but there was a bit of waiting around. The thing is my Nan is very particular (control freakishness runs in the family then...) and does get very anxious when she is out of routine with only the slightest thing. But we did ok, I just talked to her throughout and she was calm, although in pain.
So... they suspected a broken hip and the paramedics and the doc on arrival were convinced she had. So when she got to X-Ray I prayed as much as I could (looking like a nutter talking to myself in the hallway...) that it would not be broken (if it was the result would be an op and a screw through the bone - Shes 95 - so that was not going to be a good option!). Anyway we got out, the doc said it was not broken and I was so grateful to God.
We waited for an ambulance to take us back, got her back in to bed - all an ordeal for a 95 year old who cannot weight bear on her feet, is very anxious and scared and in pain, and had already had to change beds 4 times today - either with the aid of a hoist or a Pat slide - not easy. Just as she was settled back in her own bed with a cuppa and was being pathetically grateful, we got a call from the doc saying actually he's had another look and thinks she might have a fracture after all and he wants to send her to another hopsital 15 miles away for another scan.
I am so angry with God right now. I just do not understand. I thought he had heard my prayer and healed the fracture. I was so thankful that he had mercy on her, and then this... WHY? I mean shes 95, has no quality of life and is miserable, shes now bed bound and cannot do anything for herself. I'm not suggesting for one minute that he should take her life, but Please Lord have mercy on her. How is it going to help her, having just got over the ordeal of a day at the hospital (and to her it really was an ordeal) to have to go out again at 5pm (having had no lunch either) to lie in another hospital corridor for hours, to then, even if they agree to do the op, she may not even survive. Even if she does will she recover? she'll be bed bound anyway. The doc was adamant she should go. Thankfully I didn't have to make the decision, my Mum did, but I mean what is this all about God? Please have mercy upon her, take her pain away, let her live the last years/months of her life with some dignity. PLEASE. What was the point of today? Why did we have to go through all that, to get back and find out she probably has fractued it after all? what is that about? I do not understand this Lord. I do not expect to understand everything you do, as it says in Job, I wasnt here when he created the heavens and the earth, but He is a God of Mercy and Grace, so why is he not having mercy on my grandmother?
ugh...
so cross... can't even express how much. Don't want to be angry with God but I can't help it. This seems so unfair and unjust.

2 comments:

Finally Free said...

(((Red)) So sorry to hear about what your Grandma is going through.

Blessings,
Tammy

Anonymous said...

I've been the same way. Touched by your post and sorry for what you grandmother is experiencing.