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Tuesday, 21 September 2010

The 'O' word...

Ok, so this might be getting a bit boring for those of you that actually read this occasionally. but the 'O' word is rearing its head again - man, I can't even say it without stressing.
Ordination...
no, ok typing it isn't any better...
I thought I had put it out of my head for a while but funny it just keeps coming back. In fact right now I can't not think about it. I have been brave (or stupid) enought to mention it to a few close friends who have been supportive, encouraging but actually not a huge amount of help (sorry guys) in that I know I have to offer it back to God really and just see what happens. They have helped me have some peace over it, to be fair to them, but I guess what I want I can't have - I want someone to say to me, 'yes you're right - go for it'. Or, hopefully, 'no thats a terrible idea why would you think that...!' and then I could console myself with the fact that someone else had made the decision.
Or, actually what I would really like is a thunderbolt and an angel from God turning up on my doorstep with a letter saying:
You need to be a Vicar,
signed:
God.
(with a possible postscript:
PS: stop messing around and get on with it before you're too old...)

but in the event of that not happening ;) ... I am stuck with it. One of my friends said to me: 'well, if you're honest with yourself, you know there is a calling there, don't you?' to which I floundered around a bit thinking, 'oh great, now I can't deny it....'.
To top it all off I sent my parish priest an email asking to meet for coffee and to pick his brains - his reply.. 'so I guess you're thinking of ordination then...?' and when I stupidly said, what prompted you to say that, he replied, 'God'. ok, so I really should have seen that one coming....

Thing is if I am honest the thought of actually openly admitting to the fact that I think possibly there might be a sort of calling on my life - thats admitting in the real world - blogs don't count..;) then I am filled with dread, but also with a little bit of joy.
Man did I just actually say that?

BUT.... even if I can admit it, then the practicalities are such that I don't even want to consider it. so do I keep putting this stuff to the back of my mind and hope it will go away? Right now I'm going to just wait for the angel with the letter.... hey, call me deluded, but you never know...

10 comments:

Seeker said...

If God is calling you to ordination, then that call isn't going to go away. I doubt you'll get an angel with a letter, but you have nothing (and everything) to lose by seriously exploring the idea, starting with an in-depth discussion with your parish priest. It's scary starting to share something like that in "the real world" isn't it?

Alan Crawley said...

"the practicalities are such that I don't even want to consider it"
The practicalities aren't as bad as you might think! That just sounds like an excuse to me :)

SS Firedancer said...

Hi Red,
The thing I heard when I read this and prayed for you was "many are called but few are chosen"(Mt. 22:14) & the other I heard was "if you are planning to build...you must first sit down then count the cost of what it is going to take to see it to completion" paraphrased (Luke14:28) The ones that are chosen are the ones that count the cost and see it through to completion.
One thing that I hear quite strongly when I am in times like this, when I want a clear answer is the Lord saying to me; "You are my sheep and you DO hear my voice and I KNOW YOU (intimately and passionately love you) your job is just to follow where I lead."
We are His sheep we hear His voice (and the voice of a stranger we will not follow) so don't be fearful that you will not hear correctly. And as the Lord told me years ago when I was facing some big giants of decision "You Don't have to know anything" "I know ~YOu follow" (John 10:27 & John 10:4-5)
So there you go dear friend you have heard now the next step is to sit down and count the cost... In all the areas that it will cost you pursuing what you hear your heart telling you.
Lots of love.
Soroya

Lesley said...

Ha-ha ha-ha..
tee hee hee
chuckle.
snigger.
(sorry... trying to pull myself together)


Just makes me laugh seeing you fight.. reminds me of me.

Lesley said...

ps.. that wasn't what I was expection 'O' to stand for!

Red said...

Thanks all...
and Lesley I knew you would laugh!!! what did you think the O would be for? or can you not say?!
x

Lesley said...

:) still chuckling.
err.. well.. ummm.. well... err... better not say :)

Red said...

ok, can probably guess!!!

Jonathan said...

@Lesley: Is the 'O' word "Oil" because you're concerned that Red's going to go all Sage of Mersea on you?

@Red: Somewhat randomly came across this from Patricia St.John yesterday (which was comforting later on with perturbations floating around my head):

He never promised us a voice when the path lay celar and straight ahead. He gives us common sense and normal human indications and the quiet sense of his guidance. But when we come to the fork in the road then the promise rings true: 'Thine ears shall hear a voice behind thee saying, "this is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand or the left."' At the turning he will speak so clear and we wonder and hesitate. Then surely it is safe to go ahead wit the prayer of faith:- 'I want to do your will and I think that this is right. If I'm making a mistake, please put out your hand and stop me.'

And is it possible that he will not answer that prayer? If we were leading a loved child along a road - a child who wanted to stay close to us and had mistakenly turned aside, is it conceivable that we would not call to him or reach out and draw im back? And surely he, who is the Father of fatherhood and the source of motherhood, will do no less?

Red said...

Thanks Jonathan and welcome, I dont think I've seen you on here before. That quote is actually incredibly helpful as a friend of mine used exactly that scenario of a child being led by the hand too - more confirmation I guess :)
x