Ok, so this might be getting a bit boring for those of you that actually read this occasionally. but the 'O' word is rearing its head again - man, I can't even say it without stressing.
no, ok typing it isn't any better...
I thought I had put it out of my head for a while but funny it just keeps coming back. In fact right now I can't not think about it. I have been brave (or stupid) enought to mention it to a few close friends who have been supportive, encouraging but actually not a huge amount of help (sorry guys) in that I know I have to offer it back to God really and just see what happens. They have helped me have some peace over it, to be fair to them, but I guess what I want I can't have - I want someone to say to me, 'yes you're right - go for it'. Or, hopefully, 'no thats a terrible idea why would you think that...!' and then I could console myself with the fact that someone else had made the decision.
Or, actually what I would really like is a thunderbolt and an angel from God turning up on my doorstep with a letter saying:
You need to be a Vicar,
(with a possible postscript:
PS: stop messing around and get on with it before you're too old...)
but in the event of that not happening ;) ... I am stuck with it. One of my friends said to me: 'well, if you're honest with yourself, you know there is a calling there, don't you?' to which I floundered around a bit thinking, 'oh great, now I can't deny it....'.
To top it all off I sent my parish priest an email asking to meet for coffee and to pick his brains - his reply.. 'so I guess you're thinking of ordination then...?' and when I stupidly said, what prompted you to say that, he replied, 'God'. ok, so I really should have seen that one coming....
Thing is if I am honest the thought of actually openly admitting to the fact that I think possibly there might be a sort of calling on my life - thats admitting in the real world - blogs don't count..;) then I am filled with dread, but also with a little bit of joy.
Man did I just actually say that?
BUT.... even if I can admit it, then the practicalities are such that I don't even want to consider it. so do I keep putting this stuff to the back of my mind and hope it will go away? Right now I'm going to just wait for the angel with the letter.... hey, call me deluded, but you never know...