So I have this obsession. It's about where God is, sort of; well where he resides, kind of; oh well I don't know. I mean I get that he is all around us, Christ is in us.. yeah yeah I get all that. But sometimes I find myself thinking well, where is he? Where is heaven? Is it up in the sky like we believed as kids? It's like I can't get my head around this omnipotent thing. It's not constant, just every now and then it rears up. Like an unwanted guest or a bad dream that you can't escape. And yes, I do pray about it. It's not even about doubt and disbelief because in my heart I know he's there right next to me. I can't not believe thanks to all the amazing stuff that has happened to us over the last 6 months. But it's like I need to know, to really understand where he is. What does he do? Is he watching over us and how can he? yes he's everywhere but how? I know these sound like fundamentals and as I said this isn't about unbelief, I guess I'm not explaining it very well...
It's like this... When I pray, if I imagine I am having a conversation, that Jesus is there in the room with me, well that's a sinch, no problem, I'm just having a chat with my eyes shut. But when I start to really think about it, start getting deep, that's when I start questioning. I know that I can't know the answers to these questions until eternity (that's assuming I get there..;) ) I know there is that bit of mystery that has to be there, I've said it myself before - 'that is what faith is about' but right now it is doing my head in.
I know that he could just show up, or send an angel or cause some miraculous thing to happen to help me understand this, but then I would be like doubting Thomas. And I don't want that, I would rather take the hard route and get my head around it without taking the easy way out (if only it were even offered!)
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. John 20:29
I feel like I'm rambling now. It's just that I've just been mulling this over today on a long walk and can't quite get it straight in my head, so, sorry for the waffle... maybe I should pray some more :)